Real Life Daily Struggles

It’s a feeling in your chest, a pressing that you want to release. Taking deep breaths are supposed to help, but they don’t at all. They make your chest feel tighter.

Living with anxiety is a never-ending battle. I can’t explain why I’m anxious, I have no true reason to be. Yet I still am. It’s infuriating! I’m a fixer. I fix things, but I can’t fix what’s broken inside my own head.

Last Tuesday, I had a discussion with a supervisor about a new employee. Something that I believed was within my job role that person had done without discussing it with me. I was concerned that it wasn’t done correctly and that I would need to fix it later. I got irritated, I still feel like I was reasonably irritated. That discussion ended fine, but since I’ve been anxious. I have worried about it all week, and I gave myself anxiety thinking about it all week. I’ve fixated on it, and I can’t seem to let it go. I’ve over thought things and worried that my friend, who is my supervisor, has been distancing herself from me.

I should be able to let it go. It’s been over a week since this happened. I know I am overthinking it. We have a massive event coming up at work, and that’s what everyone’s mind is on.

Anxiety is knowing you should be able to let something go and move on. It’s knowing that you’re overthinking something. It’s not being able to let something go. It’s knowing you’re fixated on something and not being able to stop. It’s a never-ending feeling like you can’t breathe.

The only thing that has helped is writing, getting the words out of my head. It doesn’t matter if a single person reads the words. I need to expel them like a deep breath. I’m not perfect. My entire life, I have been pushed to perfection. Whether by myself or by the world I’ve grown up in.

My anxiety has been off the charts since I saw the sister of the man who molested me as a child. He’s been dead for years, but I’ve had dreams of what could have happened every night for over a week straight. I have flashes of memories of what happened from therapy helping me, but my mind has blocked a lot of it out.

I know this was the trigger for my anxiety from the last week. The discussion I had with my boss, my mind has just chosen to fixate on. It’s not the actual trigger, I know what the actual trigger is. I just don’t know how to make it stop.

I’m working through it though, actually talking about it and openly saying what’s wrong helps. Tomorrow is Monday, and I’m praying for an uneventful day. I’ve been emotional all weekend, so hopefully, it will go well.