Real Life Daily Struggles

My brain feels blocked and murky with all the jumbled thoughts in my brain. I need a break, a mental brain shutdown day. I can’t let myself have one of those. When I do, I feel like I’m letting people down. I worry about saying no, I can’t do this…. If I do, will I be disappointing someone?

It feels like the air in my lungs is toxic, I feel like I can’t breathe. I pretend like I’m okay, but I’m falling apart on the inside. I write texts wanting to talk to one of my friends, and then I delete them before sending. They have their own lives and don’t need my burden placed on them.

It’s horrible to be a physcho analyzer because you also analyze yourself. I stop myself before reaching out to people because I know it’s attention seeking. I’m not suicidal, I just want to feel something besides the unending deep pit that I’ve fallen into. I feel numb, cold, and like I’m falling apart.

It sometimes feels like I’m stuck in a neverending fall into a dark pit. I just keep falling and falling, hoping to hit the bottom. Maybe if I hit the bottom, I’ll feel something different. Maybe I will feel something at all. Pretending to be happy is exhausting.

I live in a world that is filled with Christian values, I am a Christian. I believe that God is in control, I know that God could take this anxiety and depression from me. Truthfully, I don’t think I would let him. Sometimes, I feel like I intentionally allow myself to struggle. Allowing myself to struggle is how I make up for all the things I’ve done wrong.

I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I have been for weeks. This week, I go to an event that I volunteered to work at. It’s a Friday till Monday event. I am exhausted already. The thought of doing this makes me want to run the other way. I don’t know if I can do it. I’m going to do it, but I’m praying I won’t fall apart.

I thought I was pregnant last month, I am not my cycle started a week late. So I had hope for a week just to get crushed and be tortured by the linen of my uterus falling out. What’s the point in trying to get pregnant? It won’t happen… It’s not meant to be… I am giving up, I’m done trying, I am done trying tricks hoping that one will work. I’m done, I’ll just keep living life and loving my husband the best I can.

Signing off for the night…